By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Its about making memories worth repressing
zippers are such a cool invention
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
