Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have already put on my inside pants.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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