I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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