I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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