did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
