party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
