I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
