You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
