No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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