I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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