If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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