so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I stole a fireplace last night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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