zippers are such a cool invention
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
