you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
