all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
