you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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