Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
