i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
