I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
