It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
