just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
