dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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