Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My life is pants optional.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
