Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
