Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
