M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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