its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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