My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
