Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
