yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Jerry, you need to find god
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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