Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
