I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
