Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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