She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
