fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
