Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i was born a porn star she said
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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