Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
