I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
