Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
