Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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