the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
