I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
