Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
