Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hippo gnu deer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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