Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
