she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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