Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
