My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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