just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
