i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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