You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
