Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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