she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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