Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
