I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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