Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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