he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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