Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
