I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
